Three Ways to Appear Older Than You Are

1. Facial hair. Doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman. Compare Smooth-faced Jim Carrey with Old Man Rivers:

Decent.

VS.

Aaaaaahhhh!

2. Be opinionated while wearing a cardigan. (The cardigan is just an accessory for a strong opinion). Most people assume bold opinions come from years of experience and not mere inanity. Not always true! Young people can be stubborn and stupid, too! Oh, well. Fool them all with your strangely specific opinions on everything from pickles to bank tellers to people who chew pencils that do not belong to them and then put them in their hair and forget about them and have to ask you if you’ve, maybe, by chance, seen said pencil when in fact you’ve been watching the whole spectacle from the get-go. Now’s the time—explore your loud, authoritative side.

Note the cardigan.

3. Softly groan as you stand from your chair. Instant 50 years to your age. For good measure, mumble a curse word as you rise (bonus points for Yiddish swears). When you do this, stop everything else, even if you were in the middle of a sentence or sneeze. Standing up from that chair needs to be your Mt. Everest. Give it 10-12 minutes and you’ll be on your feet. If you can remember why you wanted to stand in the first place, sit back down and try again.